Never Together
by BigFan4242
Summary: Carlos loves Logan. Logan loves Carlos. They both know it and they both want to be together. The thing is, they can’t.
1. Secrets

**Title: Never Together**

**Author: The one the only *trumpet plays* Bigfan4242!**

**Pairing(s): Logan/Carlos very, very, very slight Logan/it's a m-m-my-ystery**

**Ratings: PG-13?**

**Summary: Carlos loves Logan. Logan loves Carlos. They both know it and they both want to be together. The thing is, they can't.**

**Warning(s): I don't really know any…. For now. Language I guess? **

**Disclaimer- All fiction blah, Not my original characters blah, Storyline and OCs of this fic mine blah. **

**Author's Note: I want to dedicate this to my wonderful pseudo-sisters Katie, Kristina, Alyssa, and Xavia. You guys just put a permanent smile on my face right now and I want to thank you all :) As well my friends and family, I love you guys, thank you for everything. Also to EmiliDean. I saw your Kogan video which gave me the inspiration for this fic. Even though it's not Kogan…Anyways thanks a ton :)**

**Mood: Happy enough to cry :')**

**Listening to- Delicate-Damien Rice**

_I slowly positioned my eyes looking into Logan's beautiful chocolate colored eyes. They mesmerized me as he laid on top of me staring into mine. I loved him and I knew it. He loved me and he knew it. But we couldn't be together, we just couldn't, and we both knew that. I breathed in slowly as we began to just look at each other. We continued this for a couple more minutes looking, studying, and admiring each other. Looking for each other's imperfections, perfections, and just how much we wanted to be together. But if only we could be together, if only we could._

I sighed grabbing my helmet placing it on my head. We were at the pool as usual hanging out, sitting on the hard, rubber lawn chairs talking about and watching all the hot girls walk pass us. Well they were, I wasn't. I was too busy checking out my best friend. Yeah, yeah I know the usual thought that comes to people's minds.

_Ew you sick freak, you like your best friend. He'd never like you, don't even consider it happening._

But I couldn't stop liking him. I tried, many times but each time ended up a fail, making me just fall for him even more. Who may you ask my best friend was? Well no other than Logan Mitchell. Yeah the smart Logan Mitchell, the talented Logan Mitchell, the one with the gorgeous spiked up hair and lovely brown eyes. That Logan Mitchell, which was probably why _she _went after him.

Logan was like one of those perfect guys. With his beautiful pale skin with not a blemish in sight. That huge, toothy smile that showed his beautiful pearly white teeth. That always spiked up hair that never ever seemed to change, which I liked since I couldn't imagine him with a new hairstyle. But most importantly his beautiful, warm, brown eyes. The one thing that made Logan, well Logan. They gave him that pure amazing look that was just… wow.

I continued to just look at him as him, Kendall, and James talked about all the pretty girls walking by and how that maybe once a skirt might fly, or how one of them might actually look at them, or even one of them might be attracted to hockey playing boys from Minnesota named Kendall, James, Carlos, and Logan. But I didn't reply to their conversation, instead I focused on Logan, the most beautiful thing to my eyes.

**Author's Note: Sorry if that sounded bad, but it's just there's a part in this fic I really want to get into already but it's not until later. Grr. (Hint, includes very, very, very slight smut) But I hope you enjoyed reading my fic :)****LOL I had to stare at a picture at Logan for about 10 or 5 minutes just to describe him in that one paragraph. Now I feel like a crazed stalker… Well actually I kinda am. XD**

**To Be Continued…**


	2. Long Night

**Title: Never Together**

**Author: The one the only *awesome acoustic guitar solo plays* BigFa****n4242! Or Charlette.**

**Pairing(s): Logan/Carlos very, very slight Logan/it's a m-m-my-ystery**

**Ratings: PG-13.**

**Summary: Carlos loves Logan. Logan loves Carlos. They both know it and they both want to be together. The thing is, they can't.**

**Warning(s): Slash, language. Not much to me.**

**Disclaimer: All fiction. Not my orginal characters. Big Time Rush isn't mine.**

**Author's Note: Okay so first I just wanted to say sorry for not updating any of my fictions, especially this one in a very long time. Honestly I just haven't been writing that well anymore, and it's been getting harder to harder to write. I'm trying to update a ton of my stories, and read some of the ones that are on my favorites lists that are as well updated. Thanks for your paitience guys, I'm sorry for everything! I hope you enjoy :) *hugs***

**Mood: Happy :D**

**Listening to: It Won't Be Long-Across the Universe cover (Great cover, a ton of great covers from this movie.)  
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_**Logan's POV**_

Everything was a blur, like some sort of tie dye shirt that was now my eyes making me incapable of seeing anything. The colors swirled in my brain and nothing seemed familiar and I soon enough realized that the only way I could find my way back home was either by touch or by screaming my lungs off. Obviously option two was out of the question, I couldn't obviously scream my lungs off assuming everyone was asleep and I'd probably get a call from the cops. So I decided to trudge my way through feeling everything. The first couple of times were pretty tough since I tripped and fell almost every once and awhile as the shattering of glass rung in my ears I probably broke some stuff too. But I couldn't do anything about it anyways, and it wasn't going to help me just standing there like a bird in the middle of the road. Going on I tried feeling the numbers on each door, hoping for any to just be 2J. But this didn't prove to be such a help since it took me longer to just simply realize that the door I've been trying to figure the number of for about hours was either 2G or 9D or something.

"H-help me." I moaned out feeling my eyes droop and my breathing increase heavily as I took in huge extracts of air. I was going to pass out any moment, which is why I needed to hurry up my pace. Feeling the next set of doors I just decided to stop at the last one I was doing, hoping this person would just not recognize me and just think I was some random person who needed help. Striking my fists upon the wooden, shallow, hard door I began to vent my anger out on it practically tearing it apart piece by piece. Feeling it slightly open I stopped knowing I would probably knock out the person opening it. And that wouldn't be good now would it?

"Logan?" the person started as their voice scattered in my brain. This voice was familiar, it was Carlos. Oh gosh thank you. Smiling ear to ear I pulled him closer hugging him tight, happy I actually got the right door, "Logan? Logan what's wrong?"

"Oh gosh, I'm so glad you're here." I answered him sobbing slightly into his neck, gosh I was being such a dork right there. But honestly I had a rough night, I didn't quite care.

"Oh. Are you okay? You look dead."

"I am." I told him bowing my head letting go of our embrace, "Can you help me to my bed? I'm exhausted."

"Okay." he replied grabbing my arm wrapping it around his beginning to drag me towards I'm assuming the room. Luckily my vision was getting back to normal, the blurry swirls of colors suddenly turning into actual objects but still ilegible. Closing my eyes I just awaited until Carlos told me we were there to open them again dozing off in the process.

**_CARLOS' POV_**

_His body, it was practically dead. Surrounded by a pool of pain and misery that shattered my hear to pieces._

Damn it did I hate it when this happened. Seriously I mean it ALWAYS happened when he went out on a date with her. I'm not sure exactly what she did or whatever happened since he never wanted to talk about it, but damn did I just want it to stop happening to him. You know sometimes I always wondered if she realized how much pain she puts onto him. How much she hurts him and myself for having to watch this. That's why I didn't like the fact of him dating any of the Jennifers, in this case number one. I knew they were bad news, but damnit Logan was seriously in love with her just since he thought he was so 'utterly, madly in love with her.' If only he could see how much she didn't deserve him, and how much better he'd be with someone else in his arms.

"H-help me! I-I don't want to!" I heard him cry out shaking more out of fear than in the cold, bringing the already high up to his chin bright green blanket higher to above his head. The entire image was horrible and not right in any way to my eyes. Logan didn't deserve this crap, he didn't need to have this much pain in him anymore. Biting my lower lip I tried to take a few steps back from the scene my heart just utterly crashing down onto the floor as my legs now turned to nothing barely supporting me up. I couldn't bare to see him like this anymore, I was probably going to die if I had to see even a few seconds of what was going on. But my body refused to move. My legs remained there but made me sit to the floor out lack of strength, making me watch him and make sure he was okay. They wanted me to suffer didn't they? To make me watch this and to make me realize how much more I could of been to him than what she was.

If only he loved me more than he loved her. If only he realized how much pain and how horrible of a life he's having dating her. If only he'd just stop and break up with her, and fall in love with me. But that never was going to happen now was it?

**_  
****  
So now we found mystery girl ;)**

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	3. I Think I Love You

**Title: Never Together**

**Author: The one the only *kick awesome electric guitar solo plays* Bigfan4242!**

**Pairing(s): Logan/Carlos. Slight Jennifer One/Logan.**

**Warning(s): An indication of sex. **

**Disclaimer- All fiction. Big Time Rush is NOT mine (Though I wish it was so mine). Not my original characters besides OCs.**

**Mood: Musical, haha is that a mood?**

**Listening to: La Vie Boheme-RENT Cast. (I finally found a copy of this musical! And thank goodness, it was ahh-mazing.)**

**Author's Note: Okay, well there's a few things I want to say in this chapter. One, just to clarify things the girl Logan is dating is Jennifer One. The one with the brunette hair. I'm pretty sure she's number one, but uh if not it's her. Yeah the brunette, haha.**

**Second, this entire chapter to dedicated to my friend Apple of my heart, aka Nickie. She's amazing, unique, and very sweet. I adore her to pieces and she's a great friend and I'm extremely glad to have met her. I love you awesome turtle buddy!**

**Third, thanks to my other friend KatieRazzle for also telling me of the pairing of Jennifer/Logan. And I love you too awesome pseudo-sis.**

**Lastly, just enjoy :)**

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**Jennifer's POV **

I usually hid in my room when mommy and daddy would fight, then I would try and sneak under the sheets or into my closet when daddy left and mom would come into my room to vent out her anger. My room was safest spot in the entire house, too bad it was barely any safe from the wrath of my her. That's why I always would go out, though with the Jennifers it was like being here feeling fearful despite any situation. The only place I was safe was with Logan, I loved him to bits. He was such a great boyfriend, doing everything I asked and showing me more love than anyone I've ever known. I wished that I could have been with him forever.

I heard the yelling stop, usually they took breaks to get some air into their systems for another round but there was silence. I heard the pounding of daddy's fancy shoes on the ground as he slammed the door shut, it was time for me to hide.

"Jennifer! We need to talk right now." she screamed, the clickering of her heels pacing the time I had left to find a good hiding spot. I looked around, feeling as if the air around me was slowly dwindling away and grabbed a hold of one of my sheets, pulling it over me. Besides the fact they always fought mom always loved the taste of a bottle of wine, hopefully they still were in action, "Jennifer! You haven't had a main role in over months. God, why did I have to have such an idiot for a daughter?"

I whimpered under the sheets as her words cut through me like a knife, stabbing me to the point I couldn't even moved and just laid there dazed. The noise of shattering ceramics and glass echoed in the room as she screamed, pounding the wall and my bed post with her fists. Thank goodness she didn't find me but it wasn't hours until she passed out on the floor.

Usually when mom passed out I would grab my blanket and wrap it around her, adding a little pillow so she wouldn't hurt her head. Despite all she did I still loved my mom, she had just been through a lot. Things were hard with a husband who had an son coming from an affair and the fact she moved away from her beloved hometown for me to live my dreams. She was my mother and I still loved her.

I wrapped the blanket around her and kissed her forehead, moving over her body and towards the door making sure it was locked just in case daddy would come back. No need for another round of the mommy and daddy battle.

I ran past the pool and towards the guys' apartment, I needed another night with Logan before returning home again.

**Logan's POV**

I laid in bed, pain in my head and the urgency to throw up constantly making my stomach ache. Ms. Knight looked at me a bit confused, she didn't know what was wrong with me. I didn't have a fever, nor did I do anything to give me a fever. If only she knew what happened last night, and the night before that, and the night before that.

Oh gosh I need that bucket right now.

"Logan, Logan are you okay?"

I shook my head and ducked it inside, punching my gut to just release whatever was making my body hurt. Ms. Knight sighed and patted my back, trying to calm me down whispering that I shouldn't force it OUT and that this will probably last only a few days. I knew it would, classic hangover it would end in hours. But the thing I was worried about was the time it would happen again, this was my third hangover this month.

The smell of the puke made me feel dizzy as I leaned back onto the bed, giving the bucket back to her. She made a bit of a disgusted face and kept the thing a few inches away from her face getting up to throw it out as well. I sighed and looked up at the ceiling, thinking over what happened and maybe a solution to prevent this from happening again.

Sigh. Alas, still no solution to my problems. They'll never come undone.

**Carlos' POV**

I threw my backpack on the ground and rubbed the back of my neck, walking over to Logan's room to see how he was. Again, another night of fun for Jennifer but her boyfriend has to suffer for her. I hated it. Honestly I did not see in any way why he would like her, was he blind or something? She was a monster. I would never treat Logan that way, ever.

My eyes darted to him, it was like he was dying how horrible he looked, "Hey Logan. I brought your homework."

He just laid there, no reply. He groaned a bit but that was the only noise I heard from him, "Hey Carlos, thanks." it was like a mumble, and barely could be heard, "Was school fun?"

"When is school ever fun for me?" I laughed as he laughed a bit too, giving me a small smile. I placed the books on top of the stand next to us and sat on the bed smoothing out the sheet with the bottom of my palm, "How are you feeling?"

He swallowed, and balled his right hand into a fist hitting his chest. The smell of vomit hit my nose as I almost threw up in front of him. Being raised by hundreds of siblings got you use to smells, but this was just gross, "I'm okay."

"You don't seem like it, how was your date?"

He furrowed an eyebrow and shook his head getting up slightly to look at me. Easily I would of jumped his bones right there, but one, that would be creepy, and two it could of made him throw up again, "Ah. It was… bad."

"How come?"

"Could we play this game of twenty questions later?"

"I guess, but what happened."

Logan sighed and rubbed his temples, obviously Jennifer probably bossed him around to carry her millions of shopping bags or wear some sort of ridiculous outfit. Or she probably jumped his bones even though he didn't want her to, "Well, we went to a bar."

"And you drank?"

"Yeah." he replied as I gasped, I had no idea Logan was capable of even doing this. I moved my hand towards his forehead and felt it with the back of my hand, not wanting to feel his temperature just wanting so badly to touch him, "I had a few drinks with a fake ID Jen got me. Then I don't know I guess we made love to each other."

Made love, oh sure, "Oh so you two had sex?"

"Yeah."

I shook my head, "No I meant you knew you both were."

"Uh." he bit his lip and shrugged leaning back to the pillow he was laying on. I scooted a bit closer to him and leaned towards Logan, to the point we were so close I could feel his warmth on my skin. Hopefully he wouldn't feel awkward, "Uh. You're a bit too close."

Darn.

"Oh sorry." I replied moving back to my old spot, "So did you know?"

"I don't know." he rubbed his temples even harder groaning in pain, "I guess I was too drunk to notice. It's all right though, I'm pretty sure she used protection and Jen uses birth control too."

He sighed and fumbled with his fingers. The biting of his lip, the fumbling of his fingers. Logan was talking about something that's been bothering him, he always did those things when he talked about things like this. I grabbed his arm and squeezed it in a friendly way, though I didn't want it to be that way.

"But did you want it?"

He sighed again and bit his lip even harder, almost as if it would bleed soon. I glared at him and demanding an answer. Maybe this would let him realize who he really should love, even if it wasn't me, just anyone other Jennifer, "Logan. Did you want it?"

No response, just heavy breathing and the noise of vomit coming up his throat before he swallowed it back down again.

"I guess not. But it's okay, she's my girlfriend anyways."

"No it's not!" I threw my arms in the air and pointed a finger at him, his eyes were covered with fear as I sucked in a breath of air hoping to calm down. It couldn't be too obvious, "Logan, if you didn't want it you should of told her. Of what you told me it sounds like rape."

"Are you calling my girlfriend a rapist?" he yelled back pointing a finger at me too, I shook my head and smacked his hand away gently, "It was going to happen eventually, it's okay."

"No it's not! You come home everyday like you've been drugged. And now you look like you're dying!" the words probably came out harshly but I couldn't help it. Logan's eyes widened as he rolled his eyes, folding his arms. He was now crossing my world, what I had to see everyday, "Why do you even date her? Look at yourself."

Logan scowled and bit his lip again, "Because I love her." he hissed, the words hurting me along with the tone of his voice. I turned back, and tried to stop myself from crying, "We have some down sides but I still love her. Okay? I hate to admit it's somewhat fun going to the bad side. And it's just a hangover, I'm fine."

"If you get hurt-"

"I won't get hurt. I promise you that." he attempted to grab my hand but I shook my head pulling it back, "I'm happy."

He was happy, well I wasn't happy when I saw him the night before dragging him into his bed hearing his screaming almost all through the night. He wasn't happy, he was being a idiot for once. He couldn't see how much this was actually hurting him, his relationship with Jennifer wasn't at all about love. It was something, something way off from love.

I looked back and saw that his arms were open, he wanted a hug. Despite of my frustration I got over it and went towards him hugging him back, feeling his body pressed against mine. He's never hugged anyone like this before, I wanted to stay in this position forever.

"I love you." I whispered, as he let go the sudden pang of my words banging through my head. I moved slowly to the end of the bed, looking at Logan with a fearful face of what his reaction might be. Why did I have to accept that hug? Why couldn't I just keep my mouth shut?

He bit his lip and narrowed his eyes downwards, shrugging his shoulders. Still, no answer. Each second felt like forever, I wanted to say something but my throat refused to let me speak.

Logan sighed, "I, I think I might love you too."

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**AN- Aw.**

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	4. No More Pain

**AN- **Thanks for the reviews everyone! You guys are amazing. Hope you like this chapter (:

**Disclaimer/Warning(s): **Mentions of 'doing the dirty'. Slash. Suicide. Angst. Pirate language.

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**Logan's POV**

At first, I used to think making love and 'doing it' were the same exact things.

I mean weren't they? When you made love you were pretty much doing it, you just added a fancy name to describe it. I couldn't see the difference between doing it and making actual love. To me they were synonyms. You felt and did the same thing having sex as you did making love. To me they just meant the same thing.

But not now. Oh god no.

Being with Carlos was absolutely amazing. I actually felt something to when we were doing it. It wasn't at all like being with Jennifer. It wasn't just all about having fun or getting drunk or doing it. There was actually a connection between us. It was far from the feelings I had with Jennifer. I actually loved him.

When we were in bed I could remember every little detail so well. Why? 'Cause I wanted to remember every detail. We'd sit on either one of our beds moving our faces close to each other to inhale each other's smell, each other's warmth. We wanted to get intoxicated on each other and not on alcohol. Something I greatly adored.

All this was enough to make us desire the other to the point the one who couldn't resist it any longer got the role of being the first to kiss. (which a lot of times was me, but oh boy. Who wouldn't want to kiss him?) And our kisses were amazing. Far from being the best part but they were pretty damn fantastic. We'd lock lips wrapping our arms around each other as he'd touch me in the most sensitive of places making me want him even more. As we kissed our clothes slowly came off. No forcing, they just naturally came off like we wanted our bodies to be rid of them. Then we'd each whisper something about how much we loved the other or how much we cared about each other.

"I love you," his voice would gasp before pulling us back together kissing me again. Quickly he'd run his fingers through my hair as I felt him twirl them around my spikes, "I love you. I love you. I love you." he'd keep repeating as I replied in the same way. My body would move back and forth against his body as I grinded up on him. I wanted us both to take off our clothes already.

Then suddenly we'd find ourselves naked and still making out as he slowly started to kiss my body the whole scenario making me feel as I could say beautiful. I hated to admit that I was a bit embarrassed showing my body to Jen, especially with some of the crude remarks her group made about me. But to Carlos, I couldn't have felt even more beautiful.

After he'd do that the best part would come. We'd start making love.

He'd thrust into me. I mean, sometimes I'd be the one going into him but I liked it better that he do it. Carlos knew how to not hurt me, I was too scared to hurt him. As he got into me I'd start saying his name over and over as he did with mine, our voices mixing together in perfect harmony. (no screaming in pain. Who knew that was possible?) We'd keep going over and over, even after he came. Just 'cause we knew that only we could be that close to one another. To actually have that kind of emotion and feeling for each other.

With Jennifer I was having sex. With Carlos I was making love.

I finally saw why he kept trying to get us to break up. She was horrible. Hazardous actually. She was hurting me more than loving me.

Tomorrow morning when we met up for a daily visits I was going to break up with her. Something I should of done long ago. Even before Carlos told me he loved me.

No more pain.

**Jennifer's POV**

_"Jen I want to break-up."_

I'm numb. My body hurts. I can't stop fucking shaking.

_"I'm tired of it all! You're why I'm so screwed up right now. Why I am who I am."_

My hands keep moving. My body is causing earthquakes in the ground. My teeth are chattering and making continuous noise. I try to take in a deep breath. Try to keep myself grounded and keep myself from exploding. This volcano isn't breaking down now, not after so many damn years of being dormant. No need to break something that'd been constructed for years.

_"I'm tired of you dragging me to your late night parties making me pretend I'm sick when I was really hungover. I'm tired of how you always force us to have sex. I tired of when you make fun of me behind my back. I'm tired of you complaining but then not listening to an inch of what I have to say."_

I'm lying in bed. A razor is on the side of my bed from when I shaved my legs. I shaved my legs for him. So that'd my body would feel nice when we were making love. My anti-depressants are there too. Every morning, take two. Mom says that having those would protect my rep and make me feel better than going to some crazy ass therapist. Logan was totally against me just taking pills but then again, he was better than a therapist.

_"What we have Jen, it's not love. I don't know what it is. Love is supposed to make us both feel special. I have no clue if you're feeling special but I feel like crap. I'm sorry but with you as my girlfriend I can't do anything right."_

Everything in this room regarded him. I can't stop thinking of him. I can't stop thinking of us.

_"I found love with someone else. I actually feel like I'm worth something with them."_

I needed my guy. I needed him when I needed help. Like when my mom comes into my room to yell at me. When she hits me. When she and daddy fight. When my little half-brother would come in and I saw my daddy's face in him but not anything of my mom's. When I'd lose hope and want to kill myself again.

_"I'm sorry Jen but, it's over."_

I got up and pulled my hair back, bring my bangs to the backs of my ears. I wasn't crying. I hadn't been able to cry in years. I had broken down inside despite looking totally fine on the out. Hollywood done some wonders on me. It made me strong on the outside, which is all that matters right?

Like our relationship I was going to be over with too.

**Carlos' POV**

I couldn't believe it! He actually broke up with that she-demon.

It was a shock to all of us. I mean, when the other two Jennifers found out I saw them both drop their jaws an instant unison. It was hysterical they didn't expect this to happen sooner or later. She was pretty darn lucky he was loyal to her; if I was Logan I'd dump her in a heartbeat. Easy as that.

Anyways I was glad. He could be happy now. We could be happy now.

As a celebration I decided that today we'd go out to dinner in public for the first time. Yeah, a bit mean we go out as a couple just after he broke up with his girlfriend but I didn't give a rat's bum about it. He had been through enough hurt to the point she owed him. This was a moment for us now.

"Oh my god. Oh my god." Logan kept repeating as the front door opened quickly. His fingers were coated with red stuff and his face showed nothing but utmost shock. He was terrified. The most I'd seen him so freaked, "Oh my god."

I furrowed an eyebrow a bit confused, "What happened Logie?" I asked a bit scared. Today was supposed to be the greatest day of our lives. What happened to make him this way? I mean sure Logan was a scaredy cat and all but I still couldn't see how something could stir him to go this far.

"J-Jen." he mouthed. I rolled my eyes, "She's in a stretcher, r-right now. An ambulance is outside. I checked my phone and she said she wanted to congratulate me on my newly found happiness. I thought she was getting to be okay with me being with you." he closed his eyes shaking his head. It looked like he was trying to get something out of his head. A really, really bad memory, "Her b-blood is on my fingers. Her stomach, her legs, her wrists were g-gashed. Right near her bones, her v-veins. They all had her blood on them."

I could not believe this.

"She kept saying stuff. She kept saying that it was my fault and that I did that to her. The break-up was a horrible idea!" he screamed throwing his arms in the air rubbing his temples shortly afterwards. He was overreacting now. This wasn't his fault, "Look what it did to her. It was a horrible, horrible idea."

I sighed, "No it wasn't Logan. She was hurting you. You didn't deserve to get hurt like that."

"But do you see this? I caused this to happen! The fact she tried to kill herself. I made her want to die." he was laughing as he said this but crying at the same time. I could not believe this was happening. It couldn't have been happening Jennifer would do this just 'cause of a guy. Sure she was a psycho bitch but she wasn't this crazy, "Now her blood is literally on my hands."

I ran to Logan and wrapped my arms around him letting him cry on my neck as he held me close to him,

It was almost as if he didn't want to lose me either.

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**To Be Continued...**


	5. Realization

_**an- **_thanks for reading! i really appreciate it darlings. this has to be one of my most favorite chapters to write haha. just 'cause i love making logie-bear suffer. i'm so horrible lol (:

OH. and seanie sean sean you were right about the whole logan and carlos conundrum. if y'all don't get what i mean GOOD because it might ruin this chapter sweeties. don't look in the review page before reading this.

the bell jar reference is from 'the bell jar' by slyvia plath & logan's pov is based on the loveliness written by ellen hopkins fyi.

i'm also starting a new thing where i post songs i think fit with the chapter. listening to them is optional but i'd love it if you took the time to listen to them ^_^

_**warning(s): **_abuse. angst. mentions of abuse. cursing. mental breakdowns. religion aspects.

**song(s):** so nice so smart by kimya dawson (carlos&logan) and sea of love by cat power (jennifer)

_**Carlos.**_

"Logan, do you really want this? Think a little please."

I was crying now. I never cried, in front of anyone. I really didn't have a reason to cry at anything, but now I felt everything just crashing. I wiped the tears off my face with the back of my sleeves trying to get them off of me but they kept coming back b more and more, "Logan, come on! Don't listen to her."

Logan closed his eyes and shook his head. He was obviously thinking or least trying to think about this. Logan was a thinker, he always double thought about decesions and I know that. He was probably thinking whether he really wanted this and if he should take some time before deciding such a serious choice like nd whether making her happy was really worth it.

That's right, I knew this was all of her influence. She used her devil powers to somehow brainwash Logan to thinking that all of this was his fault and the only way to make things better was to get back together with Jennifer and dump me. This was ridiculous and I was trying so hard to covince him otherwise.

But he wasn't listening. That was the bad part about Logan, he could listen to teachers for hours long but when it came to people telling him to do things out of his comfort zone he held his ears and blocked out the world. He didn't like it when people dictated his life, his parents had done that enough. But sometimes I just wanted to hold him by the shoulders and scream at him to just listen to me.

"I-I'm sorry Carlos." he was stuttering. Logan was stuttering again and I could hear him slipping back into his past. The past of a little boy shuddering as his parents fought and because a girl kept touching him even when he told her no. He was like this when he saw Jennifer's suicide attempt, and he was doing this when he decided to break up with me.

I looked at him and touched his face, "Logan."

He flinched, shoved my hand away and sighed. I gritted my teeth and felt myself get angry, no frustrated at him. Why was he doing this! I just didn't understand him. Why did he keep pushing himself to feeling horrible and being hurt when he could of prevented this! Why did Logan keep hurting himself instead of making himself feel happy?

WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY?

I grabbed his wrist and stared at him intently. He flailed a little and started to whimper as my nails dug deep into his skin. I could see the fire in my eyes as my face reflected in his eyes. I don't know what was happening to me, but I was upset and Logan was being stubborn and and and-

And I just couldn't lose him again.

"C-Carlos, that hurts."

I couldn't hear him. All I could hear was the pounding in my heart and the veins throbbing from my forehead, "Logan, you better be damn sure you want this." I hissed feeling the own venom in my voice. He continued to whimper, "I'm sick and tired of you hurting yourself all the time. You have to start thinking up things for yourself! And I'm so tired and Jennifer is such a bitch and-"

I started to mumble random gibberish, well more yell than mumble. I flailed my arms around and pointed to him and screamed and screamed and screamed hoping that I'd scream loud enough that'd it get through his thick skull that Logan needed to start thinking about himself and not others and if he was thinking of others because he's going to die if he keeps acting this way and not die happy and that case and that he needed to stop thinking about Jennifer because she was the one who tried to kill herself and this wasn't his problem and that I've loved him for just the longest time and he's my boyfriend and I love him and I don't want him hurt and-

"STOP!"

I blinked. Logan ripped his arm from my grip and started to scream. Nothing else, just scream. He screamed and screamed before falling to the ground on his knees screaming. I stared at him unsure how to react. He pounded against the floor and continued screaming and screaming until I could of sworn his lungs exploded in his chest and his voice started to go off in waves. He slammed his forehead to the floor and threw his hands to his face.

"I don't know what to do! I'm sorry! I want to please you and I want to please myself but I don't want Jennifer dead!" he started to cry sinking down into a ball on the floor. Logan clutched his knees and began to rock crying even more, "I don't know what to do! W-What do you w-want me to do Carlos? I-I'm so s-scared and c-confused and you guys keep p-pressuring me! I j-just want everything to just s-stop! Just let everything stop!"

I stood there and realized it. I realized everything. The entire time I had always put Jennifer out as the bad guy, the one causing all this pain for Logan, when I also was one too. I didn't want him to dump Jennifer because she was hurting him. I wanted him to dump Jennifer because I wanted him. Logan had been through so much having to choose between me screaming at him to do something to Jennifer screaming him from the other end. I just realized Logan's point of view. He was the one standing in the middle of the road waiting for the two cars to collide and crash into him.

He still laid on the floor in fetal position. I bit my lip and sighed bending down to ruffle his hair as he sobbed into the ground. I saw a small trickle of his tears and sighed.

"Logan, I'm really sorry." I whispered hoping he'd know I meant it. He didn't move and he was almost paralyzed after his fit of frustration. Logan had totally broken do in my eyes and I as the last part to his own self-destruction. I turned the other direction and began to walk out of the room and leave him be.

Time could stop just this one time for him.

_**Logan.**_

_**D**__ear gosh_

_**E**__veryone_

_**A**__ssumes_

_**T**__hat I know_

_**H**__ow to deal with this._

_(I really really don't though.)_

_**Jennifer.**_

My mom hit me.

We were alone in the hospital room and she hit me.

She didn't even say anything at first. She just walked in, hair up in a messy bun and eyes covered with mascara and the tears of a dying fairy to cover her smoking and insomniac eyes. Her lips were parted and she held two fists and I could see her fingernails sunken deep into her skin. Her clothes were messy and buttons were buttoned into the wrong places and her pants were ripping at the ends. The nurse had left my food and left and immediately my mom grabbed my wrists and stared at my bandages touching them with her finger tips outling the imprints of my cuts from my bandages with her finger. She started to whisper things under her breath and her breathing had quickened to short little gasps. Then she hit me and after the hit I looked back at her to see that she was crying.

It was the first time I had seen my mom cry in front of me.

She didn't say anything at first. She just sat down on the chair to my side and stared at me. I stared back at her and tried to study what she was doing looking at every little aspect of her. Her eyes, her facial expressions, and every little movement she did.

"I love you Jen," she finally spew as I nodded looking down at my wrists. I bit my lip and felt them ache when I lifted them up to scratch the back of my neck. She got up and kissed my forehead holding my hand and standing there for a little bit. Her fingers intertwined with mine as she clutched my hand in hers squeezing it gently. I saw her head turn to the ceiling as she sucked in a deep breath closing her eyes probably imagining her life differently where her daughter wasn't totally crazy and her husband had loved her and in which the demons in her head would stop talking to her in her sleep.

She ws still mumbling and I remembered those words from church. She was saying a prayer over and over again and pleading with God to help her and give her thre strength to overcome this and be okay again. My mom had lost her faith in religion ages ago and now she was praying to what she called everyone's so-called 'God' to help her out because she was down on her knees in desperation and there was no one else there willing to look out for her. It was in your lowest poitns did you start believing in the things you stopped believing in.

And within that moment I realized something. I realized that while I knew we were both suffering my mom suffered much more than I did. She was the one who had lost all her dreams in a world she could never return to and was now living her life trapped under a bell jar while seeing me happy. She was jealous of her daughter being happy and other people being happy that she often got mad and questioned to why she was the only unhappy person in the world. She was the one staying up wondering why her husband cheated on her and whether it was because she was so fucking ugly or because she wasn't good enough or because other girls were just good enough and prettier than her and if she'll ever love again. She was the one twisting and turning because she never felt love because her daughter had forgotten how to tell her mom she loved her and how she'd screwed up by hurting people because for once she wanted to be the one okay while other people hurting people.

It probably killed her to see me dying not just because I was her daughter but because she realized she had turn into all the people who had hurt her. Dad knew that mom was hurting when he cheated on her but he still did and she knew I was still hurting when she hit me yet she kept doing it. She let the feeling of dominance fill her body as her hand slammed against my face or my arm or my leg so she could feel just once, just one time that she was the powerful one.

My mom had made mistakes in her life and now to her she was being punished. I wanted to forgive her because people make mistakes and people were meant to be forgiven.

She had let out that breath and looked down and slowly let go of my hand, fingers clinging onto the moment until the very last bits of it were gone. My mom looked down and turned to go back home and deal with all the other problems her life threw at her.

"Mom."

She stopped. I swallowed the lump in my throat and smiled weakly.

"I love you too Mom."

**to be continued...**


End file.
